


trying to reach you

by drcosimacormier95



Category: Rookie Blue
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Depression, Drama, F/F, Fluff, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape, Romance, Self-Harm, Smut, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2015-12-30
Packaged: 2018-05-10 12:12:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5584957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drcosimacormier95/pseuds/drcosimacormier95
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gail Peck was never one that fell apart in front of other people but in that moment she does. She falls to the ground and breaks. She should have been there. If she was there maybe this wouldn't have happened. <br/>2015, two years after their first kiss, Gail and Holly live together when something terrible happens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, this work is posted on another fanfic site thingy but as I'm using here now I thought I should post and finish this work here. I will post the chapters already up there and get to writing the final chapters...
> 
> Hope you like this story (:

''Officer Peck?''

She turns around when she hears her name and finds a dark haired woman looking at her, ''Yes?''

''I'm Doctor Dunham, I'm the one taking care of Holly Stewart.''

''Finally! I have been here for nearly two hours waiting to hear something. How is she?''

''She is'', there is a pause, a pause Gail doesn't like, at all, ''She is alive. She was beaten up pretty badly, a few ribs were broken, but that's the minus issue.''

The blonde swallows hard, ''Okay, continue.''

''Her brain is swollen, so we are keeping her unconscious and we have to wait to see if the swelling will go away on its own or if we will have to operate. And there's the rape kit's result.''

''Oh my God. Please don't tell me she was -'' She can't even finish the phrase but the doctor does it for her.

''Yes, I'm afraid she was sexuality assaulted.''

Gail Peck was never one that fell apart in front of other people but in that moment she does. She falls to the ground and breaks. She should have been there. If she was there maybe this wouldn't have happened. Maybe she could have saved her girlfriend.

* * *

She sits on her car and sighs.

She had always hated fighting with Holly. In the two years they have been together they had only had two big fights. But she had never walked away from her girlfriend like she did tonight. That's why she couldn't sleep at Chris' place. That's why she was parked in front of the brunette's house at four am, because she couldn't sleep without things being okay with Holly.

She sighs again and gets out of the car.

Walking towards Holly's house she sees something the cop inside of her doesn't like at all, she reaches for her gun only to find it isn't there. Of course it isn't, her shift only starts in two hours.

She stands in front of the door and grabs her phone. Chris is on the precinct and she knows he is in the front desk tonight.

''Hey, Chris is me, Gail.''

''Gail? What's up?''

''Can you send someone to Holly's place please?''

''Okay… What happened?''

''Right now Chris. And an ambulance too.''

''Got it.''

She hangs up before he has the chance to say ''Don't do anything stupid.''

The door was half open, like someone had broken in. She steps inside and finds darkness. She wishes she had her fucking gun and a flashlight. She goes into the kitchen and grabs the first knife she finds, luckily is a big one. She checks every room of the house and curses the fact they live in such a big place. There's only one room left to check. She stands in front of their bedroom and releases the breath she hadn't even noticed she was holding.

When she opens the door and turns the light on what is front of her makes her sick to her stomach, but she doesn't throw up because fear over comes her.

Holly is lying on her bed, naked, covered in blood and unconscious.

''Oh my God.'', she walks till the side of the bed and checks for a pulse, ''Please be alive, please, please.'', when she finds one she closes her eyes in relieve. She touches Holly's face gently, ''Baby, can you hear me? Please open your eyes. I'm right here. I'm so sorry I left.'', tears form in her eyes but she doesn't have time to break down because suddenly there's noise and flashlights on her face.

''Oh my God.'' she hears a familiar voice say; Andy. And there are arms around her pulling her away from Holly, ''No, no! Let me go! She needs me!''

''Gail. Gail! Listen to me you've got to let the paramedics do their job and take care of her okay?''

She nods reluctantly and watches as two men put a mask on her girlfriend's face and a needle in her arm.


	2. Chapter 2

She is sitting on the floor of the hospital. Traci is by her side saying something but she doesn't really pay any attention. How can she? Her girlfriend is currently lying on a hospital bed. Broken.

Doctor Dunham passes by her and that takes her away from her thoughts. She gets up and goes till the woman, ''Can I see her?"

The doctor smiles in sympathy, ''I'm sorry Officer but she is in the ICU and only family can go in and even then only on visiting hours.''

''I know, but I am the only family she has here. I'm her girlfriend.'' Gail pleads, ''Her parents are coming but I don't know when they will be here. Please, I don't want her to be alone. Not after what she has been through, please.''

''Okay. I will let you see her for a few minutes.''

''Thank you.'', She gives Traci a smile and follows the doctor into a hallway.

When she sees all the wires and machines on and around Holly her heart breaks. Her wrists are purple, the son of a bitch who did this to her probably tied her up. Her eyes were black and her mouth had cuts on both lips. Gail looked away and tried to breathe. Her chest hurt. She sits on the chair near the bed and closes her eyes. How did this happen?

She opens her eyes and gets closer to the brunette, leaning in she hopes Holly can hear her, ''I'm so sorry baby, I should've been there I know, it's my fault. But please, live. Please, wake up, give me that smile that makes my heart jump and say everything will be okay, because right now, I will only believe it if it comes from you.'' She feels a tear roll down her face as she strokes Holly's hair, ''Please, wake up.''

x

Beep

She tries to open her eyes but they don't seem to want to obey her.

Beep

She tries to talk but nothing comes out, her mouth is dry.

Beep

She moves her fingers. It hurts. Where the hell is she?

Beep

That noise is really annoying her right now.

''Holly? Holly, can you open your eyes?'', She hears a strange voice say.

''I'm – I'm trying.'', her voice seems weird to her, like it isn't herself speaking.

Finally her eyes are open and blinded by a light on the ceiling. There's a woman beside her and she realizes she is lying in a hospital bed.

''Hi there, I'm Doctor Dunham. How are you feeling?''

''Pain.'', it's all she manages to say.

''Okay. That's normal. Do you know where you are?''

''Hospital.'', again only a word comes out of her mouth.

''Yes. Do you remember what happened?''

She closes her eyes but decides it was a really bad decision because yes, she remembers what happened. She wishes she didn't.

She nods.

She hears the doctor take a deep breath, ''I'm only checking your vitals and then I will let you rest.''

She nods one more time and stays silent.

''If you need anything call the nurse okay?'', the woman says and goes away.

How did she get here? How long has it been? How long has she been on this hospital bed? She feels tears forming on her eyes. She can still feel the man's breath on her neck. She shakes her head and tries to think about other things. Gail comes immediately to her mind. Is she here? Is she waiting for her to wake up?

She feels sleepy and realizes the medication they have been giving her must be strong.

Two seconds later she is unconscious.

The next time she wakes up she feels a hand on hers and fear completely takes over, it is irrational she knows but she can't help it, she takes her hand away as fast as she can and tries to move on the bed, away from whoever was by her side, only to be met with pain on her chest.

''Hey, it's me.''

She finally opens her eyes and finds blue ones staring at her. ''You are awake.'', the blonde says, smiling.

''Hi'', she takes a deep breath, ''It's you.''

''Yes, how are you feeling?''

''How do you think?''

''Right'', pain and confusion crosses Gail's face and Holly feels bad for being so harsh, ''Stupid question I'm sorry.''

''No, no, I'm sorry. That was rude.'', she tries to smile at Gail, ''I'm- I'm feeling like I have been run over by a truck.''

''Okay.'', the blonde finds herself without anything to say. What do you say when your girlfriend is beaten and raped by a sociopath? She doesn't know.

''How long did I stay out?''

''One week.''

''Oh.'' she sighs, it seemed like more time, ''Look, I'm also tired and my head hurts'', Holly says, breaking the awkward silence.

''Do you want me to go?'', Gail's voice is insecure, something the blonde isn't used to being.

Holly notices it but lets it pass, right now she needs to be alone, ''Would you please? We can talk later.''

''Yes, sure, they are moving you from the ICU to a room upstairs, we can talk later.'', Gail walks away so fast that it is almost as if she was running. And her wish is to do so because, what do you say when your girlfriend is not acting like herself? And how could Gail possibly expect that from her after what happened?

She calls Traci as soon as she reaches the lobby, her friend picks up five seconds later; ''Gail. How is she doing?''

''She is awake!''

''Oh my God that's great.''

''Yeah, but - but she is different Traci. I don't know.''

''Gail, give her time. She will be okay.''

''How I wish I could believe you.''

''I know.''

''But, how's the investigation going? What did I miss?''

''We might have a suspect.''

''Who?''

''Do you remember Lucas Watson?''

She gasps, ''The guy who raped and killed two women and got away with it last month?''

''Exactly.''

''Why him?''

''One of your neighbors gave a description of a man who she had seen around the street a couple of times. We ran on the facial recognition program and got a match.''

''That son of a bitch. But why go after Holly?''

''Holly testified against him in court.''

''Right! I remember. She was super nervous when she went to give her testimony and so angry when he got away.''

''Yeah we all were. I was the detetive on the case.''

''Damn it! Are we any near to catching him?''

''No, he is off the grid. Which means Holly may still be in danger.''

''He may come back to finish the job.''

''Yes.''

''Look, can you send an uniform here to watch over her? I have to be at the station in a couple hours.''

''Already done it. They should be there any minute.''

''Thanks Traci.''

''You're welcome. But Gail, she needs to give her statement. Soon.''

''I know. I know just give her some time okay?''

''Okay.''

Knock knock

Her body instantly tenses and she has to tell herself to breathe. It isn't him. It isn't him, ''Come in.''

The blonde opens the door and pokes her head inside, ''Hi. I heard you were asking for me?''

''Yes.'' Holly says, she notices there's a police officer outside her door but chooses to focus on her girlfriend, ''Yes. I needed to see you.''

''Okay. I'm here.'', Gail says softly as she closes the door and comes closer to the brunette. She still doesn't know what to say or how to act and it annoys the crap out of her.

''Why there is a guard outside my bedroom?'', the brunette asks after a while.

''Because- Holly, we think he may come after you.''

The brunette swallows hard, ''Do you -'', she closes her eyes, ''Do you know who did this to me?''

''We have a suspect.''

''I- I saw him Gail. Lucas Watson, he didn't wear a mask.''

''Holly, you need to talk to someone soon! You need to give your statement if we want to catch this asshole.''

''I can't okay?'' Holly's face turns red and she raises her voice, ''I can't even look at you right now and talk about it! How am I supposed to tell someone what he did to me?''

Gail is speechless. She looks into her girlfriend's eyes and - nothing. She sees nothing but anger. It scares her. ''I'm-''

''Don't.'' Holly cuts her off, ''Don't say you are sorry. Just go.''

''Holly.'', Gail pleads, ''Please, talk to me.''

''I can't.''

The blonde lowers her head, ''I'm not giving up on you. I will come back later.''

Holly avoids the other woman's eyes, and instead looks at her hands. It's only when the door closes behind the blonde that she looks up again.

How did they get here?


	3. Chapter 3

_I hear a noise but don't move; I'm too comfortable and tired. Besides, I'm sure it is Gail coming home._

_I have my back against the door and close my eyes again._

_Knock Knock_

_I sigh at the sound, ''Gail'', and start to turn around, ''What the fuc-'', my voice fails when I see him, standing at the door way, grinning._

'' _Holly honey, so glad you are awake.''_

She opens her eyes and tries to catch her breath, it takes her minutes to calm down, but the memories don't leave her alone, they come back to haunt her.

'' _Holly honey, so glad you are awake.''_

_My breathing gets heavy and my heart starts to race, ''Mr. Watson, what are you doing here?''_

'' _Oh I think you know what I'm doing here.''_

_I make a move to get out of bed, I need to run, I don't know where to but I know I need to get out of here, but before I can escape my sheets he is grabbing me by my hair and pointing a knife to my face, ''No, no, no, you are going to stay right here honey, and we are going to play a little.''_

'' _Lucas'', my voice doesn't crack and I try to stay in control, ''Let me go.''_

'' _Now, why would I do that Holly?'', his breath hits my neck and I shiver._

'' _My girlfriend is a cop and she will be here soon.''_

'' _No she won't. You two had a big fight remember? She walked away from you. We both know she won't be coming home tonight.''_

_I close my eyes because he is right. She isn't going to show up and save me, but part of me still has hope I can escape this._

_He closes his fist and punches my stomach. I'm on my knees on the bed now, bend over because of the pain. He reaches for a rope that is attached to his belt. In this moment he drops the knife on the bed. I take a deep breath and make my move for it, but it is useless because before my hand can grab the object I feel his fist on my face._

_I fall on my back and hit my head on the wall behind the bed. I taste blood._

'' _Try something like that again bitch and you are dead.'', he laughs and I feel sick, ''Well, you are going to die anyway but I'd rather take my time.''_

_He grabs my wrists and ties them together behind my back with the rope. Then he uses the knife to cut my shirt in half and take it off my body. He slides the blade in my breasts and that's when the tears start to come. Of course he notices, ''Oh are you crying Holly honey? Why are you crying, we are only getting started.''_

'' _Please Lucas, stop.''_

_He slaps me in the face, ''Come on now, already bagging? Thought you were tougher than that dyke.''_

_I let a cry out and he laughs as he takes my pants and underwear off. I feel his breath against my thighs and close my eyes._

_This isn't happening, this can't be happening._

_That's when I hear the zipper. I open my eyes, terrified because now he is naked and climbing on top of me. I ignore the panic inside of me and start to move, trying to undo the knot of the rope and free my hands. He grabs my legs and pulls me closer to him, he hits me over and over again, on my face and my ribs, by now a few must be broken because the pain is overwhelming._

_I stop moving and he stops beating, ''Now stand still or you are going to hurt me honey.''. He holds my legs, ''Scream and I will go after your girlfriend.''_

_He enters me and I hold back the scream, tears falling from me eyes. He thrusts back into me again, sheathing himself as far as he could. He grabs my breasts and starts playing with my nipples. The thrusts get faster and harder and I close my eyes and cry. Oblivious to my tears he enters me again and again until I hear him coming._

_He is staring at me I can feel it, ''Open your eyes.'' He says. I don't. He grabs my head and shakes it, ''I said, open your eyes.'' This time I obey. He is smiling down at me. I get angry and spit on his face and move my legs in a way I knock him down on the ground. I don't know how but I use all the strength I have left to get up, the only problem is that he reaches my waist and throws me on the floor. I hit my head and now I'm bleeding from three different places._

_He gets up and starts to kick me over and over again. He hits my whole body this time not choosing a specific location. After a while I start to cough blood._

_He puts me on my feet and drags me to the bed. I hit my head again on the wall and that's when everything turns black._

* * *

Six hours. That's how much time has pass since she started her shift.

She sits on her desk and sighs, she should be focusing on the homicide that happened this morning and that she is working on with Swarek, but all she can think about is what would she do if she got her hands on that sick bastard.

Lucas Watson. They executed a warrant for his apartment but nothing; they couldn't find anything connecting him to Holly's attack. And they still haven't found him. Where was he hiding? What was he planning?

Suddenly Gail feels her chest hurt, she has a bad feeling about all this. Why didn't he finish the job? Why didn't he kill Holly?

She takes a deep breath, she knows there's an Officer standing by Holly's door but still, she needs to see her girlfriend and make sure she is okay. She looks up at Traci, ''Hey, I'm gonna go to the hospital real quick to check on Holly, I will be right back okay? Can you cover for me?''

Traci gives her a sympathetic smile, ''Yes of course.''

''Thanks.''

* * *

She wakes up but doesn't open her eyes.

Damn, had she fallen asleep again? For how long? It seems like all she is doing in this hospital is sleep.

She sighs, at least this time there were no dreams, no nightmares.

She opens her eyes, and freezes when she sees who is sitting on the chair in front of her bed.

''Holly honey, so glad you are awake.''


	4. Chapter 4

She shuts her eyes.

This is just another bad dream, she tells herself. He isn't here.

As if reading her mind, he laughs, ''No Holly, this is not a dream, this is me finishing what we started and your cop girlfriend interrupted.''

She looks at him confused, ''What?''

''You don't know it because you were out but she is the'', he stops and gets up, waving his knife in the air, angry, ''She is the reason you are still alive, she ruined everything!''

''She came home.'', the brunette states.

''Yes! Have you thanked her for saving your life?''

No she hadn't. She had no idea. In fact part of her blamed Gail for leaving her, ''No I- I haven't.''

''Well, that's too bad, but don't you worry, though she is not my type, when I'm raping her I will tell her you said thanks.''

* * *

She arrives at the hospital and is confused when she sees the officer that was supposed to be looking after Holly flirting with a nurse, ''Hey! What are you doing down here? Who's with Holly?''

He smiles, trying to not look like he has been caught, ''Oh, her doctor, is with her.''

''Doctor Dunham?''

''No, the new guy.''

''What new guy?''

''Blonde, blue eyes, kinda good looking, Watson I think.''

He doesn't even have the chance to finish before she is running.

She runs as fast as she can, when the elevator opens at Holly's floor she takes off once again, gun already in hand.

A few nurses see her and the gun and look scared before she shows them her badge, she quickly tells them to clear the floor.

When she reaches Holly's bedroom door she doesn't even think, she simply kicks it open.

She sees him on top of Holly with a knife on her neck.

''Get off of her or I swear to God I will shoot you in the head.'', she says, already aiming at him.

He smirks, ''Go ahead Peck, isn't that what you want to do to me after what I did to your beloved girlfriend?''

''No. I want to torture you myself and then send you to jail, where a pretty boy like you will be a huge success among the prisoners.''

The smirk comes off his face, ''Sorry, not happening.'' He starts to cut Holly's throat and she pulls the trigger. The bullet hits his left side. She runs into him and jumps on top of him, taking the knife away and throwing it on the floor behind her.

She grabs his wrists and joining them behind his back, she cuffs him. The blonde takes him from Holly and drops him on the floor, opposite side from where the knife is of course.

''Baby'', she holds Holly's face, ''Baby open your eyes, it's me. It's over.''

The brunette opens her eyes as the officer in chart of looking out for her walks in, ''Oh my God'', he says.

Gail looks at him, letting her anger be shown through her voice, ''Call it in. And watch him!''

He nods and grabs his radio, the blonde focuses on her girlfriend and her bleeding neck, ''I'm gonna get a nurse to look at this okay?''

''No! Don't leave me please.'' Holly pleads.

''Okay, I won't.'' She climbs on the bed and puts her arms around the now crying brunette, ''I'm right here.'' She says softly before turning her attention at the officer again, ''Hey you! Go get me a doctor.''

He nods, ''Gotta it detective.''

He is out of the room and she keeps her eyes on Watson, she doesn't want him getting up and taking her by surprised – even though right now he looks incredibly in pain on the floor and doesn't show a glimpse of strength left. She gives her girlfriend attention and notices she has stopped crying, but is still shaking, ''It's okay Holly, I'm right here'', she repeats.

Soon a nurse and a doctor are walking into the room, alongside with the officer, they look terrified but ready to do their jobs. She looks at Holly while the nurse comes closer and the doctor goes check on Watson, ''Baby, I have to let her take a look at your neck okay?'', she moves to get out of bed and Holly grabs her hand, with pleading eyes, ''I'll be standing next to you, don't worry.'', the blonde kisses the brunette's hand and lets it go, making room for the nurse.

She keeps looking between Holly and Watson, thanking God or whatever exists for her instint. It had saved her girlfriend's life.

A minute late Traci, Andy, Chris, Dov, Sam and Oliver are there with a few other officers.

She gives them a smile, ''Wow all of you came.''

Traci grins at her, ''Of course we did.'', she says before turning serious, ''There's a woman from IAD outside, she wants to separate you and Holly and take your statements.''

She grinds her teeth, she doesn't want to leave her girlfriend. She glances at Holly and sees she is looking back at her, ''Okay'', she says to Traci before making her way till the brunette, ''Holly, you will be okay, Traci will stay with you.''

Andy steps in, ''Me too.''

Holly smiles weakly and nods.

Gail walks out of the room, ''Detective Peck?'', she hears the redhead in front of her ask, ''Yes'', she responds, ''I'm Katherine Vause.'' She shakes the woman's hand, this would be a pain in the ass.

* * *

She gives the stranger her statement, telling her everything that happened since she woke up till when Gail left. The woman smiles at her and walks away. She is left with Traci and Andy, and another woman who is cleaning the floor, where her attacker had bled out.

She is calmer now. But all she wants is her girlfriend next to her, ''Are you feeling okay?'', Traci asks.

''Yeah.'' She takes a deep breath, ''Where's Gail?''

''She had to go with Vause back to the station to give her her statement, she will be back later. But we will stay with you alright?''

She sighs, ''Okay.''

Gail had saved her twice, she just wants to thank her girlfriend.

* * *

She sighs after she walks out of the room, giving her statement took one hour she realizes after looking at her clock, she practically runs out of the station, into her car. When she arrives at Holly's room she sees her friends are still there. After giving her a smile they walk out of the room leaving her alone with the brunette.

Holly grins at her, and for the first time in days she sees the smile that makes her heart jump, Holly's real smile. She lets out a laugh, ''God, it's good to see that face.'', she walks closer to the bed and gives her girlfriend a kiss. Holly kisses her back, slowly and softly.

''How are you?'' the blonde asks when she pulls away, ''I came as soon as I could.''

''I'm okay now that you are here.''

Gail grins, ''Good.'' She grabs Holly's hand, ''Do you wanna talk about it?''

''No, not right now. Right now I just want to thank you.''

''For what?'', the blond asks confused.

''For saving my life silly.''

Gail smiles, ''You don't have to thank me, to be honest, I was being pretty selfish, I was saving my reason for living.''

Holly turns red and lowers her head, she loved when Gail let her romantic side show and said things like that, ''I love you.'', she says, looking into the blonde's eyes.

''I love you too.'', it comes out easily for Gail, it had never before with any of her boyfriends but with Holly she knew it was true. She gives the brunette a quick kiss, ''And I'm so glad you are alive.''


	5. Chapter 5

The day she gets out of the hospital is the day he is declared dead.

When she walks into the house she has to keep telling herself that he is dead. That he is not going to be waiting for her.

Lucas Watson is dead.

She stops at their bedroom door and takes a deep breath, suddenly she is shaking and her head is spinning. Memories from that night enter her brain. Gail notices the change in her girlfriend, ''Hey, it's okay. You don't have to get in there if you don't want to.''

''I- I don't.'' Holly manages to say.

''Alright. Let's go back to the living room then. I will make you some tea. Sounds good?''

Holly nods but doesn't move. Gail reaches for her hand and pulls her into her, ''Baby you are okay, come on.''

A few seconds later Holly takes a step back and follows the blonde till the sofa. She sits and sighs, ''I'm sorry.''

Gail kneels in front of her, ''You have got nothing to be sorry for.'' The brunette sighs again and Gail kisses her forehead, ''I will be right there. Watch some TV and call me if you need me.''

Holly nods and the blonde gets up and walks away. She hears the TV when she steps into the kitchen. She lets out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding. She is worried. It is killing her to see Holly like that; so fragile. The brunette that was usually so fierce; smirking all the time.

She prepares tea for them both.

They spend the afternoon watching silly things on TV, none of them really paying any attention to the screen. Gail kept staring at her girlfriend who seemed to be in another world inside her own head.

When the time to go to bed comes Gail doesn't know what to do. She had hired someone to get rid of everything, even their bed. She bought a new one. But Holly hadn't wanted to even enter the room. And she could understand why.

The brunette looks at Gail, ''I'm tired.'' But the look on her eyes is pure fear.

The blonde smiles, ''Come on, I have an idea.'', she offers her hand to Holly and she takes it, getting up from the couch. Gail leads them till the guest room, she gives Holly a kiss on the cheek, ''I will be right back.''

She goes into their bedroom, collects a white t-shirt and shorts – Holly's favorites – and her own sleeping clothes. She had always loved the fact they both don't like pajamas. She does it as quickly as possible so she doesn't leave her girlfriend for too long. Soon she is back into the other room and is surprised to find Holly lying on the bed smiling at her.

She walks till her and gives her the clothes, Holly gets up to take them, ''Thank you.''

''You're welcome.'' She steps back, giving Holly room to change. The brunette takes her shirt off and Gail gasps. Her girlfriend is thinner and has bruises all over her back and front.

A tear falls from her eyes and she lifts her arm, touching a specific bruise on her rib gently. Holly feels the touch and looks at Gail. She sees the blonde crying and her heart breaks.

''I'm so sorry,'' the blonde says, ''I'm so sorry I wasn't here.''

Holly gives her a genuine smile, ''But you were.''

''Not when it mattered. I was too late.''

''Baby you saved my life. Twice'', she sees the confused look on Gail's face and remembers she hasn't told her yet, ''He didn't kill me that night because you came home. You stopped him.''

The blonde shakes her head, ''What?''

Holly steps into Gail's personal space and kisses her. They both close their eyes and take each other in. Their lips slide over each other smoothly, the blonde puts her hands over Holly's waist and pulls her closer, the brunette more than welcomes Gail's body and reaches for her girlfriend's cheeks, opening her mouth and kissing her harder.

Minute by minute the kiss gets hotter and Holly has to move away, ''I- I can't. Not tonight.''

''It's okay. I won't push you into doing anything.''

''I know you won't.'', she gives Gail a quick peck, ''Let's go to bed.''

They change into their sleeping clothes and lay on the bed.

Minutes pass and Gail thinks Holly has fallen asleep when suddenly she hears her girlfriend's voice, weak and soft, almost a whisper, ''I wanna talk about it.''

The blonde turns on her side, so she can look at the brunette, even in the dark, ''I'm listening.'', she says just as soft.

Holly stares at the ceiling and tells Gail everything. How he laughed and smirked. How he kept calling her honey. The way he entered her and she closed her eyes. The way she tried to escape, only to be grabbed again and hit all over.

When she finishes she is still looking at the ceiling but she can hear Gail crying. She turns her body in Gail's direction and puts her hand on the blonde's cheek, whipping away the tears.

Gail feels stupid. Her girlfriend has just told her how she was raped and beat up and she is the one crying, ''I'm sorry.'', she says one more time.

''Come here.'' Holly moves her body till it is touching her girlfriend's, she puts her arm around her and buries her face on her neck.

They fall asleep entwined in each other.

* * *

She wakes up with a scream. She looks at Holly and realizes the brunette was the source; she is shaking and sweating.

''Holly, sweetheart, wake up.'', she tries. And nothing. She then reaches for her girlfriend; touching her arm. Suddenly there are two hands around her neck, applying pressure. A lot of pressure. And a body on top of her. She finds it hard to breathe. She grabs Holly's wrists and tries to talk, ''Holly! Holly it's - it's me. Baby it's me, wake up!''

She opens her eyes and finds her hands on Gail's neck. She lets go immediately and jumps out of the bed, landing badly on her feet she falls on the ground, ''I'm sorry!'' she screams, ''I'm so sorry''. She hears Gail coughing and trying to catch her breath. What had she done? She just remembers having a nightmare about Watson.

Gail finally manages to breathe correctly, hearing Holly's pleading, she gets out of bed and walks till her girlfriend, kneeling in front of her, ''It's okay, it's okay. I'm okay.'' Holly ducks her head into Gail's neck and starts to cry, ''I'm sorry.''. They stay like that for a while, both of them calming down.

''Were you dreaming about him?'', the blonde asks.

Holly nods.

''He is dead baby. Remember that.''

Holly nods again and Gail leads her back to bed. The blonde hugs her girlfriend, who seems to still be crying but has stopped shaking, ''It's okay'', Gail repeats.

A few minutes later Holly is sleeping again. Gail stays up, watching over the brunette. Luckily, this time Holly sleeps profoundly, without making a sound.

* * *

Two weeks later Holly's medical leave ends and she goes back to work, even though her boss had said she could take her time.

Episodes like the one that happened that first night back home happened again but not as bad. She hates herself for having so many panic attacks at night. And she hates that she is putting Gail through that.

The brunette is alone, examining the results on a blood test she had asked for. It is her first case back - a homicide. She finishes reading it and grabs a clean scalpel, ready to look over the body again.

She feels empty.

The rush she has always felt on the job isn't there. Nothing is there. Absolutely nothing.

She keeps her eyes on her scalpel. She takes off her gloves, taking a step back and not letting the blade go.

She doesn't really realize what she is doing until the pain hits her. But it doesn't stop her and she cuts her left arm deeper. When she sees blood she pulls the scalpel back, dropping it on the floor.

She quickly breaks out of her gaze and grabs a piece of fabric, pressing it against the cut.

What the hell was she doing?

* * *

When Swarek asks her to go to the morgue to check on the murder case they got that morning she doesn't hesitate. It is Holly's first day back and she more than wants to check on her girlfriend.

She enters the cold room and sees the brunette examining something over the microscope. She watches Holly for a couple minutes, believing to be unnoticed, ''Hey there'' the brunette says without moving. Gail sighs, of course Holly knows she is there, ''Liking what you see?'', the brunette smirks.

Gail laughs, ''Very much indeed.''

Holly gets out of her chair and walks till the blonde, ''Hi''.

Gail welcomes the kiss, closing her eyes, ''Hi'' she says when they separate, ''I like the way you say hi.''

Holly lets out a laugh, ''I know. What brings you here?"'

''I wanted to see you. And I need to know how this guy died'', she says pointing at the autopsy table and the body laying over it. ''And if you have any clue about who he is.''

''I'm afraid I can only help with the first part.''

''Okay'', the blonde grabs her small notebook, ''How did he die?"

''He was choked to death.''

''A guy this big? How did the unsub manage to keep him down?''

''Well, based on the bruises on his chest I would say someone was on top of him at the time.''

''Alright'', the blonde stops, her eyes widen, ''Holly! There's a blood stain on your arm, it is yours or his?''

''Oh'', she sighs, she knew she should have pressed longer and made the bandage better, now her coat has a blood stain and Gail is seeing it. She takes a deep breath and rolls up her sleeve, ''I accidently cut myself, nothing big and don't worry I didn't contamine anything.''

''I'm worry, about you.'' the blonde grabs her arm and looks over it, ''Was it deep? It seems to still be bleeding.''

''It's okay Gail, it was nothing.''

''Fine, but if doesn't stop bleeding go to the hospital to get it stiched.''

''Promise.''

''Okay, I gotta go find out who killed this guy. Will you be okay?''

''Yes, you go detective.''

''Alright'', she gives Holly a quick kiss, ''See you at home.''

Holly watches her girlfriend go. Had she just lied to her face?

Again, what the hell was she doing?


	6. Chapter 6

When it happens again she is fully conscious of what she is doing. She locks herself in the bathroom with cotton, adhesive plaster, band aid and alcohol to clean the cut. Is the middle of the afternoon and she should be working but how can she?

Because of her job she is surrounded by death all the time. It had never bothered her; she had never stopped to really think about it. But now it's different because it feels like death is inside of her.

The feeling of emptiness makes its way into her again and again. And she is desperate, desperate to feel alive.

He stole her that night. He stole her identity, her essence. She is not the person she used to be.

So she self-destroys in order to survive.

She takes her pants off, this time she wouldn't be caught so easily. She sits on the toilet and holds the scalpel with her right hand. She takes a deep breath when the cold blade touches her skin. She closes her eyes and forces it against her thigh. The scalpel is sharp and immediately enters her. She lets out of breath, moving her hand and sliding it against her skin. The feeling invades her. Pain. She recognizes it, she welcomes it.

Blood starts to flow and she stops, putting the scalpel on the sink. She grabs the cotton moist with the disinfectant liquid and presses it against the cut.

She knows this isn't normal; this isn't right. She needs help. But she doesn't want to stop, because this makes her feel alive, this is the way she has found to survive. And she knows that if she asks for help they will want to make her stop.

Also, there is the shame. She doesn't want people to know because they would look at her like she was a freak. And she doesn't want that.

It takes a while but it eventually stops bleeding. She does the bandage and throws away the dirty cotton.

When she is finished organizing everything, she comes out of the bathroom, luckily still alone. She looks over the dead body on her table and sighs, time to get back to work.

* * *

Days pass and it becomes her routine. She cuts almost every day. Because she needs to feel it. She needs the pain to invade her and take away the numbness.

Every night she kisses her girlfriend and feels guilty. She is hiding something from her. She is pretending she is fine and she knows she isn't. She knows she is broken. She is damaged.

Most of the time she even lies to herself; she pretends that night didn't happen. Not to her.

She sighs, she is home alone waiting for Gail to arrive. She has a glass full of wine on her hand. Some of her cuts are itching and it is bugging her. But what bothers her the most is the doubt. Does she tell Gail about it or not? Does she continue hiding this new part of her or does she come clean to her girlfriend? She doesn't know. She doesn't know what to do. She doesn't know what Gail's reaction would be.

She sighs again and turns on the TV. Maybe continuing to ignore it it's the best way out.

* * *

The clock hits ten o'clock and she takes a deep breath. It is time to go home. Time to see Holly. She sighs; Holly.

Holly, who probably thinks Gail hasn't noticed something has seriously changed in her. The blonde has noticed, she just doesn't know what it is yet.

She catches Traci staring at her, ''What?'', she asks a little bit too harsh.

The brunette shakes her head, ''I'm here if you want to talk about it.''

''There's nothing – '', she frowns, this is her best friend, why is trying to lie? She sighs, ''Holly is different Trace, something is going on with her and she won't let me in.''

''She opened up to you and talked to you about that night didn't she?''

''She told me what happened but after that'', the blonde throws her hands in the air, ''Nothing. We didn't even talked about it. She didn't bring it up again and I don't wanna push it. She doesn't want to enter our bedroom. She doesn't want professional help. She just seems so cold and distant and I don't know what to do.''

''Well, I honestly don't know what to tell you Gail. But she is probably suffering from PTSD.''

Gail nods, ''She is. All the signs are there. But there's more to it. I just don't know what yet.''

Traci sighs, ''She is your girlfriend. You live together. You will figure it out.'', she gets up from her desk, ''We are heading out for a couple drinks, wanna come?''

The blonde shakes her head, ''No thanks. I just wanna go home.''

''Alright, see you tomorrow.''

Traci walks out of the room and she is left alone. She stays put for a while; images of Holly filling her brain. She takes a deep breath and gets up. She ignores everyone who tries to talk to her until she gets to her car.

The drive home is silent, she doesn't turn on the radio. She doesn't want any song lyrics interfering with her thoughts. She thinks about what to do. Should she push Holly into telling her what is going on or should she let the brunette come to her when she is ready?

She doesn't know. For the first time in Gail's Peck life she doesn't have a clue about what she wants to do. It drives her insane.

She gets home and opens the front door. Music is playing from their radio and she sees Holly's dancing on the living room with a bottle of wine in hand. She frowns, ''Hi!'', she screams over the loud sound.

Holly grins at her, ''Hello my love.'', she walks till the blonde, leaving the bottle on the table so she has her two hands free to grab Gail's face and kiss her.

The kiss takes the blonde by surprised but she closes her eyes, tasting the wine on her girlfriend's lips. ''You are drunk.'', she states when she pulls away.

Holly giggles, ''Yes!'', she says as she goes in for another kiss. Gail welcomes it and the brunette opens her mouth, invating the blonde's tongue in. They kiss each other harder and Holly takes Gail's bag from her, dropping it carefully on the floor. She then leads the blonde into the guest room, not letting their lips separate. Her head is spinning, but it is a good kinda of spinning, she just doesn't know if it is from the wine or from her girlfriend's kisses. Probably both.

Holly's legs hit the bed and she stops, focusing on kissing her girlfriend. Gail puts her hands on the brunette's waist, pulling her closer until their bodies are touching. She lets out a groan. This is not what she was expecting from tonight. She wants to talk to Holly but the brunette seems to have other things in mind. She pulls away and grabs Holly's face, making her look at her, ''Baby, what are you doing?'', she whispers.

''What does it look like I'm doing?', Holly replies playfully, ''I'm kissing my girlfriend.'', Desire hits her again; she wants Gail. She has wanted her since she walked into the house, looking gorgeous as usual. She needs the blonde to make love to her. She smirks, ''Will you let me get what I want?''

Before she can answer there are lips attached to hers and hands under her blouse, caressing her back. She takes her shoes off, and kisses Holly back, she can feel her heart beating and she can listen to their heavy breathing. Their tongues slide against each other, teasing and flicking. Holly starts undoing the buttons of Gail's shirt and soon the blonde finds herself without it.

Holly reaches for her girlfriend's breasts and she moans at the contact. Gail puts her arm around the brunette and slowly drops her in the bed, laying on top of her. Holly is wearing sweatpants and the blonde smiles into the kiss as her hand finds heat and moisture between her girlfriend's legs. The brunette thrusts forward as a loud moan escapes her lips. She sucks on Gail's tongue, giving it a special treatment.

Gail moves her head and starts kissing the brunette's neck. Right on the spot she knows it drives Holly insane. The brunette dugs her hands on the blonde's hair and moans again. Gail starts making her way down, pulling Holly's shirt up and kissing her stomach. When she starts taking the brunette's pants off she freezes.

''Holly what the fu-'', the blonde has her hands on her girlfriend's legs, holding them in front of her.

''Shit'', Holly had completely forgotten about her scars and new cuts, she sighs, how could she? ''Just ignore it Gail.'' She makes the move to remove the blonde's bra but hands stop her.

''Ignore it? Are you out of your mind? What are these? Have you-'', she stops, because it can't be true, it just can't, ''Have you been cutting yourself?''

''Yes. But please ignore it. I'm horny as hell, I just want you.'', she is desperated. She can't believe she had forgotten about it. She can't believe Gail is finding out this way.

''Oh my God.'' Gail lets out a breath, ''Oh my God.''

But now she can't ignore, she can't keep asking Gail to ignore it. She looks at her girlfriend and sees tears forming in her eyes. The pain in Gail's face is too much and she can't take it. She moves out of the bed. Gets up and runs till the next bathroom, locking herself inside.

What the hell was she thinking?

She starts to panick.

Gail knows.

She takes deep breaths trying to calm herself down. She just wants it to stop. She just wants control.

Without thinking again, she grabs the scissors they keep in the bathroom cabinet and presses it hard and slides it against her wrist. She lets a scream out and the blood starts to flow. She closes her eyes, feeling the pain and feeling herself in control again.

There's a knock on the door, ''Holly! Open the door.''

She doesn't respond.

''Holly!'' Gail screams again, ''Open up or I will knock it down.''

The brunette obeys and unlocks the door. Soon the blonde is walking in.

She gasps when she sees Holly on the ground and all the blood covering her arm, ''Oh my God Holly.''

''Gail-'' she whispers, ''I think it was too deep.''

''I'm taking you to the hospital. Come on.'', She puts her arms around Holly and gets her up on her feet and then out of the house into the car. Holly sits on the passenger seat and stays quiet. She looks like a lost child and it breaks Gail's heart.

When they are almost at the hospital Holly speaks, weak and soft, ''I'm dirtying your car.''

''I don't care.'', Gail says. Right now she is angry. At herself. For letting this happen, for not seeing it coming. How could she not see that this was what was wrong? That this was happening? How?

While Holly was in the bathroom she hadn't moved for a while, she was in shock. Completely in shock and then she heard a scream and got dressed in a flash to see what was going on. She hadn't expected to find Holly in a pool of her own blood.


	7. Chapter 7

hey arrive at the hospital and in a minute Holly is being dragged to a bed at the emergency room. Luckily, Doctor Dunham is in the ER tonight and allows Gail to stay at Holly's bed side. A man, Doctor Sloan, he says, comes to take care of Holly's wrist.

He gives Holly an injection, for the pain he explains, and begins to do the stitches. Holly feels ashamed and Gail feels guilty. They stay quiet; both not knowing what to say, both barely being able to look at each other.

When Doctor Sloan is finished he gets up from his chair, ''All done. It was a pleasure meeting you Ms. Stewart.'', he looks at Gail, ''And you too. Take care.'', he walks away and Doctor Dunham makes her way till them.

''Hi, how are you feeling Holly?''

''Fine.'', the brunette lies.

The woman sighs, ''Look, when suicide attempts happen we have to send you to the psychiatric ward and-''

''It wasn't a suicide attempt.'', Holly interrupts, ''I just cut too deep. It wasn't a suicide attempt.'' She repeats.

''Okay, but we still have to send you to psych.''

''What if I don't want to?''

''Holly you need the help.''

''I know I do but I don't want to stay in this hospital.''

''That would be your choice, we can't force you.''

Gail sighs, she doesn't know if she should push Holly into going into treatment at this hospital or maybe if they should look for a specialized clinic.

Holly closes her eyes, ''Right now, I just want to go home Doctor Dunham.''

The woman gives her a small smile, ''I will discharge you then.''

''Thank you.''

She leaves and they stay in an awkward silence again. Till Holly starts to feel anxious and uncomfortable, ''I'm sorry Gail, I'm so sorry.''

The blonde looks at her girlfriend, ''I know. I'm sorry too.''

''You've got nothing to be sorry for.''

Gail ignores the statement, ''You need help Holly, you may not get it here but you will get it somewhere. I will find someone to help you.''

''Okay'', the brunette takes a deep breath, ''Okay'', she accepts that now, she needs help. Right now. She is in a hospital, with her wrist bandaged. She has hit rock bottom she realizes.

Gail starts to make a list; of things that needed to be done. She needs to call Holly's work and let them know she will be taking a medical leave. She needs to call Traci and have her cover for her again. She also needs to start looking for a well recommended psychiatrist.

''So, you are free to go. Just sign here.'', Doctor Dunham's voice interrupts her thoughts. She grabs her cars keys and gets up while Holly signs the paper.

''Thank you doctor.'', she says, ''for everything.''

''Don't worry detective.''

A nurse comes and takes the IV from Holly's arm, ''I'll be here if you guys need anything.'', the medic says. Gail nods and she walks away. The blonde offers her hand for Holly to take. She does it and gets up from the bed she has been laying for hours now. Both of them just wanting to go home.

The ride home is silent. When they get to the house Holly walks straight to the guest room and gets changed into her sleeping clothes and into bed. Gail walks slowly to the kitchen and drinks a glass of water. When the blonde gets into the bedroom, Holly is already asleep. She heads then to the bathroom. When she enters the room she sees the blood, now dry, on the floor and sighs, she would have to clean it before joining Holly in bed.

She goes and gets the cleaning products, and almost cries as she rasps the blood of the floor.

How did they get here?

* * *

When she wakes up she notices she is the only one in bed. She looks at the clock and jumps. She has just started to change when the door opens and Gail walks in, ''What are you doing?'', the blonde asks.

Holly frowns, ''Changing. I'm late for work why didn't you wake me up?''

''I talked to your boss, you are on medical leave Holly.''

''What? No, I have to work.''

''Holly!'', Gail screams without meaning to, ''Stop! You are not okay. You are not going to work. End of discussion.'', she storms out of the room.

The brunette gasps, is Gail angry at her?

How could she not be? Holly screwed up. She knows that. She _is_ screwed up. That's maybe the worst part.

She changes back into her sweats and walks till the kitchen where she finds Gail making breakfast. ''Is eggs okay?"', the blonde asks when she sees her.

''Yes'', she responds. She sits on the table and watches her girlfriend, the blonde is tensed and has that serious worried look on her face she rarely used.

After a few minutes a plate is being served in front of her, ''Thanks.'', she says weakly.

''You are welcome.''

Gail starts to walk away from the table when she hears Holly's voice, ''Gail.'', she turns around;

''Yes?''

''Are you mad at me?''

Gail frowns, ''What? Of course not.''

''It seems like you are.''

She reaches for her girlfriend's hand, ''I'm not mad at you Holly, I'm angry at myself.''

''Why?''

''I feel useless, guilty and like a terrible girlfriend.''

Holly smiles, ''Baby.'', Gail kneels in front of her and their foreheads touch, ''You are not a terrible girlfriend and this has nothing to do with you.''

''Okay.'', the blonde whispers, ''You really need help Holly.''

''I know but would you please stop repeating that? Just for a while can we just be?"

Gail sighs, ''Yes.'', she gives Holly's head a light kiss, ''Now eat.'', she goes back into the kitchen. She has spent the morning making phone calls and she has found a psychiatrist for Holly, a well recommended and respected one. Expensive but she couldn't care less. It's about Holly's health and she wants her girlfriend to be okay.

She makes her own breakfast and joins the brunette at the table. They talk about things, nothing really important and the brunette thanks Gail mentally for being so perfect.

* * *

They spend the day in front of the tv marathoning Friends and laughing every now and then. When the night comes and they are already in bed Holly decides it's time they adress the issue, ''I'm sorry. For doing it and for hiding it from you and pretendind I was okay.'', she doesn't look at Gail, as always she finds staring at the ceiling easier.

Gail takes a deep breath, looking at her girlfriend's profile, ''You don't need to apologize Holly.''

''Yes I do. I was - am sick and I didn't tell you.''

''And why didn't you?''

''Part of me was - is ashamed. And the other part. I don't know, you wouldn't understand.''

''Try me.''

She sighs, ''I was trying to be in control Gail, I was trying to take back my life.'', she stops for a few seconds and shakes her head, ''I know it must make no sense whatsoever.''

''No. It does. You were trying to take control over your body. Your emotions. I'm not an ignorant on the subject darling, I suffered from PTSD and I've never told anyone this before but there was one time, my first day back home from the hospital after the kidnapping that I considered doing it. I considered hurting myself.''

''But you didn't.''

''No.''

''Because you are strong. While I'm weak and pathetic.''

Gail moves so she can put her arm around Holly and pull her closer, ''No you are not. You are still here. You are alive and you are going to survive this too.''

Holly doesn't say anything, she doesn't know if she believes her girlfriend.

''I have found someone to help you'', the blonde says.

''Gail.''

''What?"

''How will I trust a stranger?''

''In a few weeks or months she won't be a stranger.''

''She? It is a woman?''

''Yes... would you prefer a man?''

''No, no, a woman is fine.''

Gail smiles, ''Okay, your appointment is tomorrow morning. I said i t was an emergency and the secretary made it work.''

''Tomorrow already?'' Holly laughs, ''You are not fair Peck.''

''Yes. I'm not one to joke around when it comes to your health.''

Holly gives her girlfriend a quick kiss, ''Okay then''.

''Now sleep.'', the blonde orders.

''Will you come with me tomorrow?", the brunette asks softly.

''Yes, I already called Traci and she will cover for me again.''

''You are abusing your best friend.''

''She doesn't mind. She knows is for you and she adores you. All of my friends do.''

Holly smiles, ''Alright. Good night.''

Gail goes in for a kiss, ''Good night.''

* * *

They stay in silence. Holly avoids the other woman's eyes and looks around the office. The walls are white. The furniture seems expensive. And the decoration is classic.

They have introduced themselves and Holly has answered a few basic questions. Like how old is she and what she does for a living. Then came the hard question, ''What brings you here Holly?'', the woman - Doctor Manning - had asked. Holly was honest and told her she was suffering from PTSD and was cutting herself. After that, silence.

Minutes and minutes pass till the psychiatrist decides to take a chance, ''Where do you harm yourself?'', she asks.

Holly takes a deep breath and focus her eyes back on the woman, ''My thighs and two days ago, my wrist.''

''Was it a suicide attempt?''

Holly shakes her head, ''No''.

''Okay.'', she looks at her clock, ''Look, Holly our time is up but before you go, I would like to see you again on Monday and then continue to see you twice a week.''

''Can't you just give me some drugs that will make me stop doing it?'', she knows it doesn't work that way but why not give it a shot?

The woman laughs, ''No Holly, I need to know what's really going on with you before giving you any medication.''

Holly sighs, ''Fine'', she gets up from the comfortable black seat, ''Thanks for your time.''

Doctor Manning leads her till the door and says goodbye.

Holly finds Gail reading the book she brought with her in the waiting room, the blonde smiles when she notices her girlfriend, ''How was it?''

''Fine. Lets just get out of here.'', it is all she has to say on the matter.


	8. Chapter 8

It is her third session with Doctor Manning, or as the doctor asked Holly to call her, Sarah. They have been silent for five minutes now, just like the last time. Was this going to become a tradition between them? Holly doesn't know. She likes her new psychiatrist. So far, she had seemed a really nice person, she shows empathy in the right moments and expresses confidence.

''So'', Sarah breaks the silence. She had the previous session as well, ''Have you had any more dreams?"

Holly decides to tell the truth, ''Yes.''

''Do you want to talk about them?''

''Well… it is the usual… him attacking me, killing me, and then I wake up screaming.''

''And the frequency? Has it dropped?''

''Yeah, I guess so.''

The therapist raises her eyebrows, ''You guess?''

Holly sighs, ''No. I'm sure.''

''Okay. That's good.'', the doctor leans in in her chair, closer to Holly looking her in the eyes, she gives the other brunette a smile, ''Holly I think it's time we start your medical treatment. You are showing clear signs of PTSD as you well know, and depression.''

''What – what does that mean?"

''It means you are not yourself right now and we need to work on you getting your identity back.''

''Okay.''

Doctor Manning explains to her how the meds would act on her nervous system, a lot of it Holly understands giving her own medical background. After giving the brunette her prescription they walk calmly to the door and say goodbye, ''And if you need anything please Holly call me.''

''I will.'', Holly gives her doctor a small smile and walks out of her office. Gail is working and couldn't be with her today. She wishes the blonde was. She sighs and gets into her car, driving to the closest drugstore and then home.

x

She gets home as quickly as human possible. Her shift had been busy as hell but Holly hasn't been out of her mind once. She opens her front door and finds the brunette on the couch, TV on but not really looking at the screen. ''Hey.'', she declares her presence.

Holly jumps at the sound but then smiles noticing it is her girlfriend's voice, ''Hi'', she looks at the blonde who is looking at her with concern.

Gail drops her bag on the floor and walks till the brunette, she hugs her and kisses her forehead, ''How was it? How are you?"

''It was fine, she finally gave me medication. I stopped at a drugstore on my way home and bought them.''

''Okay, that's good right?''

''Yes.''

''What else did she say?''

''Nothing important babe.''

The blonde sees Holly is not telling her everything - like she always seem to do now - but lets it go, for now. ''You look tired.''

''I am.'', the brunette sighs, cuddling into her girlfriend's arms, ''but I'm really glad you are here.''

Gail smiles, ''There's no place else I would rather be.'', she leans in, capturing Holly lips with her own. The kiss is slow and soft. The cop tries to show the doctor in that moment how much she loves her and Holly feels it, it warms her up, makes her heart beat faster.

They break the contact but keep their faces close, looking at each other, ''I'm gonna take a shower real quick, don't move.'', the blonde gives her girlfriend a quick kiss before getting up. ''I won't'', Holly answers as she watches Gail go to their bathroom. She wants to follow the blonde but doesn't know if she should. Or if she could. So she stays in front of the TV, not really watching it.

x

''I want to get back to work.'' She declares as she enters her psychiatrist office for the sixth time. Third week of therapy.

Doctor Manning looks at her surprised, ''Do you think you are prepared?''

''Yes.'', Holly runs her fingers through her hair, ''I can _not_ stay home doing nothing anymore.''

The other brunette nods, ''Okay, we can arrange that.''

''Good.'', she sits on her usual black seat. They fall into silence. But for the first time Sarah doesn't let it last too long, ''So'', she starts, ''How is Gail?"

Holly's expression is one full of surprise, it is the first time the other doctor mentions her girlfriend, ''She is okay. Working right now, why?''

''She is a big part of your life and you never talk about her.''

''Oh.'', Holly of course knows that's truth. She doesn't know what there's to talk about it though.

''How did you two meet?''

''Well, she is a detective - as you may know'', Sarah nods so she continues, ''One day we got a delicated case, Gail wasn't a detective yet and she was asked to stay at the morgue with me.'' Holly smiles, remembering the first time she laid eyes on the blonde, ''She was so sarcastic , I found it charming. After that we became friends.'', she pauses, still grinning, ''Only we were never really just friends. I was immensely attracked to her and she told me later she was incredibly jealous of me from the start. She is tough but can be so kind to the ones she cares about or even to strangers when they need it the most. She is incredible, really smart and beyond beautiful inside and out.''

''You clearly love her by the way you talk about her.''

''Yeah I do, she is the love of my life I have no doubt about it.''

''What _do_ you have doubts about?''

''If I will ever be the person she fell in love with again.'', she admits.

''You will Holly, you can make through this.''

''Okay.'', she doesn't quite believe it yet.

x

Gail gets home and finds Holly on the couch once again, it was a routine now. They say hello to each other with half smiles, ''How was today at the doctor?''

''Good. We decided I will get back to work.''

''Already?''

''Yes''

''Do you think you are ready?''

The brunette rolls her eyes, ''Of course I am Gail.''

''I am just councern about you'', the cop sighs frustrated.

It irritates Holly, she doesn't want Gail worrying about her, she doesn't want to be a bourden to her girlfriend, ''I know but you don't need to be!''

''Of course I need to be, you don't talk to me don't tell me stuff, I wanna help you! How can I help when you won't let me in?''

''I'm sorry! I am trying!'', Holly shouts back, tears in her eyes, ''I'm sorry.'', she repeats, letting herself break down and cry.

''Babe'', Gail walks till the brunette and puts her arms around her waist, ''You have nothing to be sorry for. I do. I am sorry for yelling.'', she whispers, running her fingers through Holly's hair while both of them cry now.

They stay holding each other till the sobs are gone and there's only silence.

Holly kisses Gail's neck and whispers in her ear, ''I need you.''

The blonde lets out a nervous laugh, ''You have me.''

''I do?"

''You know you do.''

''Prove it. Make love to me.'', The brunette's voice is weak but filled with desire, it takes Gail by surprise, ''Holly I- I don't thin-'', the answer she receives is Holly's mouth on her neck again, this time kissing the spot more strongly and she moans unwittingly.

''Gail'', the doctor says when she breaks the contact, ''I need you.'', she is looking her girlfriend straight in the eyes now and smiles when Gail comes closer, joining their bodies and their mouths.


	9. Chapter 9

''Make love to me.'', she repeats.

''Are you sure?'', Gail asks without really breaking the kiss.

Holly bites the blonde's lower lip for a while than smiles looking into her girlfriend's eyes, ''Yes.''

Gail takes the doctor's hand and guides them to the guest room where they are still sleeping. She closes the door and suddenly finds herself against it with Holly's body fully on hers. The brunette is smirking and the cop finds herself breathing heavily, Holly has always had that effect on her.

They both lean closer and again they are kissing, this time faster and harder, leaving them both out of breath. But who cares? Breathing is so overrated Holly thinks, she has missed this contact with the woman she loves so much. She grabs Gail's waist and leads them towards the bed, she feels her legs touch it and falls on it pulling the blonde with her. The cop puts her arm around Holly's body, lifting her and replacing her further on the bed. She lies carefully and slowly on top of the brunette with her left leg between Holly's thighs.

They continue to kiss passionately, on their own rhythm, their tongues familiar with each other. The kiss becomes softer and Holly has her arms around Gail's neck. They break apart opening their eyes at the same time, ''I love you.'' the blonde blurts out.

The doctor lets out a delicious laugh, ''And I have missed that laugh.'', she adds.

''I love you too.'', she says it with such confidence and desire that turns Gail on even more.

Holly moves her hands down till she finds the bottom of the other woman's shirt, she quickly makes the move to take it off and Gail shifts a little, making it easier. Soon, Holly's lips are on the cop's neck, moving lower towards her breasts, the blonde lets out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding and moans while the brunette works on getting her bra off.

They stay caught up on each other while Holly's kisses every inch of Gail's chest. But the blonde wants too feel her girlfriend's skin against hers, ''You are wearing way too much clothes.'' She jokes, not really joking.

''I agree.'', they both laugh and then Gail is capturing the brunette's lips once again. She takes Holly's shirt and bra aff in one second not really stopping the kiss. They both moan when their breasts touch. The blonde explores her girlfriend's chest with her right hand, taking her time before moving towards Holly's pants. She stops the kiss to look into Holly's eyes, ''Are you really sure this is okay?''

The doctor smiles at how shoft and caring Gail is, ''Yes love.'' the blonde grins and nods, taking her girlfriend's pants off along with her underwear. She takes a moment to look at the brunette's toned and beautiful body. She sees the cuts and doesn't hesitate to bring her lips to them, kissing Holly's thighs slowly. It brings tears to Holly's eyes but not sad tears or sorrow tears, she feels loved. She grabs the sheets around her when Gail's mouth reaches her inner thighs.

The blonde feels the heat emerging from her girlfriend and doesn't stop; she drops kisses in Holly's wet clit getting moans out of the brunette. She tastes her girlfriend and it drives her crazy. But she wants to look at Holly and make sure she is okay so she replaces her mouth with her hand while moving up, kissing the doctor's body. She then sees the tears on Holly's cheek and frowns a little, ''Babe, are you okay?''

''Yes Gail'', she joins Gail's free hand with hers and intertwines their fingers, ''Please I need you.'', the blonde enters her girlfriend with one finger gently while looking to her face. Holly closes her eyes, she puts her other arm around Gail's neck bringing their bodies as close as possible. She tries to kiss the blonde's neck but now the cop enters her with two fingers and she lets out a scream of pleasure as the blonde uses her tomb to work on her clit.

Gail kisses her woman's neck while finding the spot that drives Holly insane and keeps a rhythm in and out of her. Moments later she feels Holly coming undone beneath her. She hears her name being whispered as the doctor has her orgasm. Gail waits till Holly's breathing comes to a normal pace and removes her hand from inside her girlfriend, hugging her with both arms now.

They stay holding each other for a while till the brunette laughs, ''Now you are the one wearing too much clothing.''

The blonde grins and moves away from Holly, removing the rest of her clothes. She lays on the doctor's side and touches her face soflty; Holly shuts her eyes, ''Now it's my turn to enjoy you.''

''You are tired babe and I think I just made it worse.''

''But-''

''But nothing. Come here and sleep. You can wake me up in the morning.''

Holly puts her arm over Gail's stomach, cuddling in her, ''Just for the record: you make everything better, never worse... and I love you.''

The blonde lets out a happy sigh, ''I love you too'', and soon both fall sleep.

x

''Wake up sleepy head.'', she listens to the sweet voice and feels the warm breath on her ear and smiles, ''Good morning.''

''It's about to become better.'', in a second Holly is on top of her and she opens her eyes with a laugh, ''Is it now?''

''Yes.'', the doctor smirks.

''What time is it?"

''Six...''

''Oh, someone woke up early.'' Gail says between giggles as Holly starts kissing her neck. ''It's my desire to devour you.''

The blonde feels Holly smile and knows the brunette is telling the truth in a silly kinda of way and she feels goosebumps in every part of her body.

They roll around in bed loving each other till the blonde has to go to work, ''My shift starts in one hour love. I gotta shower.''

Holly pouts but nods, ''Okay, I will make breakfast.'', they kiss each other softly, smiling for a few more seconds before the blonde gets out of bed and into the bathroom.

The brunette sighs and stays lying for a little while. She only then realizes it was the first night she slept easily, no bad dreams. She goes into the kitchen grinning and laughing.

Maybe she _is_ going to be okay.

x

Three days later she finds herself at the morgue, staring at a dead body on her table. It was her first case back.

A suicide.

How wonderful is life?

She has yet to cut open the woman's body and examine everything to make sure it was really a suicide, but the deep cuts and the lack of blood left no doubt.

She averts her eyes from the cuts and takes a breath, ''I can do this. I can.'', she grabs her scapel and begins to work. She has always been professional and racional at work so she focus on that and tries to forget about her own life. After a while, looking at the perfectly healthy heart in her hands, she does.

x

She hears the door open but clearly the one openning didn't plan on being heard so she closes her eyes and waits. The perfume is unmistakable and she smiles as arms start to wrap around her waist, ''Hello detective Peck.''

''Hello doctor Stewart.''

''May I ask what are you doing here?''

''Well, I need to know if that woman really killed herself'', she rests her head on Holly's shoulder, ''And if you are okay.''

The brunette leans in her girlfriend's body, relaxing for the first time in hours, ''Yes it was suicide, she was a healthy woman - physically speaking - and the cuts are consistant with self-made.''

''Okay. And how are you?''

''I'm good.''

''Really?''

''Yes. I'm holding on.''

There is a moment of silence between them, it's not awkward at all, it feels comfortable, they are both just happy to be in each other's presence, ''You are seeing your doctor today right?''

''Yes.''

Gail hugs the brunette tighter and kisses her head, ''Okay''. She stays for a little while and then they say goodbye promising to see each other at home.

x

''How was your first day back?"

Holly laughs and doctor Manning raises her eyebrowns not understanding the joke. She waits for the brunette to answer, ''It was a slow day. No murders for me but-'' she pauses.

''But?''

Holly is serious now, a vague expression on her face, ''A woman killed herself. 26 year-old. Cut her wrists. Really deep. Lost a lot of blood and didn't make it.''

''Oh''

''Yeah. Oh.''

''And how did you feel?''

''Do you know any other questions?"

They both laugh for a minute, ''Well, yes, but that one is really important.''

''I know, I know doc.'', she sighs, ''I felt the urge, the urge you warned me about. It was fucking strong but I some how managed.''

''That's really good Holly.''

''Are you proud?'', she says sarcasticly.

Sarah smiles, ''Yes and you should be too.''

Holly nods.

''And how are things with Gail after the night you spent together?''

''We are... close. Closer than weeks ago. But there's a lot I feel like I need to tell her.''

''You should work on that.''

''Tell me about it.''

x

''Peck?''

She turns around. Her boss has that look on his face, ''No, no, no I was just leaving!'', she whimpers.

''I know Gail but apparently it's a big shot and I think you will want to take it.''

She sighs, grabbing her phone to text Holly, ''Fine.'' she says as she takes the file.

She goes with Chris and Andy till the crime scene. Holly hasn't texted her back yet by the time they reach the location and it worries her. But soon she sees a familiar hair over the dead body, ''What are you doing here?"

Holly doesn't look up but Gail can tell she is smiling, ''They called me, this one is a big deal detective Peck. The name is Richard Bartowski. Rings any bells?''

''Oh don't tell me it is the mayer's son.''

''Yep.''

''Shit, this is going to be a long long night.'', but she grins, at least she would have her girlfriend's company for a while.

x

They get home at 4am. Both tired as hell but content. ''So, the victim fought a lot and you guys got DNA from his fingernails.''

''Yes'' Holly says with a smile. This is Gail bragging. The blonde continues, ''We got a result from it and now it's only a matter of time before we find the killer'', she says almost singing.

The brunette nods and they hug. Gail had to talk to the family and give a statment to the press. This is the biggest case she has gotten so far and she is happy everything is working out. Now she plans on taking a shower, sleeping for two, maybe three hours and then going back to the precint to hunt the murderer.

She takes her quick shower and when she gets into the guest bedroom she finds Holly awake, lying on the bed looking at the window. She climbs on the bed and stares at her girlfriend with curiosity, sleeping fading away from her, ''Hey, is everything alright?''

''I want to talk to you.''

''Alright. What about?"

''You have questions don't you?''

Holly finally looks at Gail, who swallows hard, ''Yes.'' she admits.

''Ask them.''

''Are you sure?"

''Yes.''

''Okay'', she takes a deep breath. A thousand things running through her mind. She has a lot of questions she guesses but she doesn't want to push it, ''There's only one thing I really need to ask.''

''Go ahead.''

''Why didn't you tell me?''

Holly sighs, ''Embarrassment. Fear.''

''What did you fear?''

''That you would look at me differently. That you would make me stop. Fear that I would have to face my demons.''

''I could never look at you with anything but love.''

''I know that now.''

Gail windens her eyes in a funny way, ''Only now? I feel like a bad girlfriend.'', she pouts, the tension on the air vanishing.

They laugh easily.

''Don't. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.''

''And you to me.''

They smile at each other for a few moments, both knowing the other was sincere.

''Anything else?'', Holly asks.

''I don't think so babe, but if there is I will wait for you to tell me whenever you want.''

The brunette goes in for a hug and finds open arms waiting for her, ''I love you.''

''I love you more.''

''Not possible.'' she whispers, but Gail hears it and grins, closing her eyes.

Soon, both of them are asleep.


End file.
